an appraisal
Hi!
Thanks for taking the time. Okay.
How are things? Good?
Now I’m afraid I haven’t had the time to review your form so let’s go through it point by point. Why don’t you begin with the list of objectives we set earlier this year. Yes at the top. The top of the page.
Some water? No? Coffee? No?
Okay good. That’s all? Let me look at my copy. Here you missed one out: ‘Improving Personal Effectiveness’. Now what made us put that down six months ago? Can you recall? I’m a little hazy on it myself.
Well the incident with the soup was regrettable of course. And it did put that workstation out of action for several weeks. But that’s not what I was thinking of. I think we all understand now that it wasn’t your fault that the canteen served the Hot Soup twenty degrees above the usual temperature – and without a proper cardboard sleeve – so that once you’d returned to your desk the heat from the paper cup had seeped through the thin napkin you used to shield yourself and had begun to burn your hand — and it was not an insignificant burn you suffered – using the mouse with your left hand must’ve been pretty tough – and all things being equal you couldn’t be held acceptable for the subsequent flood of hot minestrone across Bank G. Nor should you be.
No. I’ve backed you on this one. I’m behind you. And will continue to be behind you. But that’s not why you were moved downstairs.
Let’s talk about your workflow for a moment. Have you been using the egg timer? I know it’s a little loud but you’d be surprised. You would. I know I’m often surprised by the egg timer. Even upstairs.
Why? What’s she said?
Well then perhaps you shouldn’t touch her in that way. Not everyone appreciates an impromptu massage.
I don’t mind. But perhaps ask in future.
Look I know you don’t want to be ‘that guy’. The guy who just strolls up to someone else’s desk and drops a hot steaming load all over them. But there’s a way of doing these things. A way of being – how can I say it – tactful.
No! Nobody thinks you’re creepy.
Well I haven’t heard that said. If people have really been saying that to you then you should have come to me about it.
That would be a very strong way of putting it. I don’t think you’re that kind of person at all. Because just let me say this one thing. You’re a very good employee. Your attendance record is exemplary. You never miss a deadline. Your work is of a very high quality. But nevertheless there is this one thing that keeps coming up again and again in your appraisals. Your personal effectiveness.
I think you misunderstand me. We are talking about personal effectiveness. Which is your effectiveness. In relation to people.
Emotional intelligence does come into it. But maybe it’s not strictly relevant to the fact that she accused you of trying to kill her.
All right, wanting to kill her. One of those. Either way.
I mean I think it was all a terrible misunderstanding. But you could’ve been a little more understanding about those cookies. I don’t think anyone would really have minded if you’d just skipped Cakey Friday last week. Out of tact. Would’ve spared you those tears at least.
Yes I had a cookie. It was good. It was very good. The thing you did with the peanuts, and the ginger. Yeah. Good cookie. In fact I ate one in full view of her. So really there was an element of unreason on her part. Certainly there was no need for her to take them all to the kitchen and feed them to the waste disposal in the way that she did.
Why didn’t you say something?
Why would you say you are afraid of her?
She does have a forceful personality. She is assertive. But in our many discussions I would say that she has never been anything other than welcoming of dissenting opinions.
I know you don’t have any dissenting opinions. At least not when you’re sober.
Oh no no no. I didn’t mean it like that. I was just referring to the incident two weeks ago. At the drinks. We were all there. It wasn’t pretty.
She called you a ‘mean drunk’ if I remember correctly.
Well you’re entitled to your feelings about her too. But none of this really gets us any closer to the crux of the problem which is: why are you so afraid of her?
Define ‘better’.
You could say that. You could say she is more effective. Personally.
What effect on me?
We’re not talking about me. I don’t come into this.
No. The way I see it there are two schools of thought. The first says that people drink to conceal themselves. The second says that people drink to reveal themselves. Now, I don’t think one could realistically say you drank to conceal the other night because hey after that fourth rum and coke you just would not shut up!
How could anyone possibly drink to ‘escape’ themselves? You think that’s a way of excusing what you said? It’s moral cowardice. That’s what it is.
No, I’m just being realistic, here. That is my job. That is what I am paid to do here. I am paid to come in here and be real. And the real that I see is above your station.
I mean I found some of your comments pretty entertaining. I mean it was fun! We had a fun time. Us guys. But those things you said about running her over with your car.
That too. Yes that was ill-judged. Really.
So you’ve already apologised. And how is that working out for you?
Well I’m very sorry to hear that they haven’t invited you to lunch since then. Who are you eating with now?
Alone?
Have you ever considered working from home?
